Good Bye Galleria
Last night was my last class at my second yoga home downtown. Yoga Bhoga is moving across the river next month. It isn't far, but too far to walk from the office which means I have to drive. It's not bad, just not as nice as walking.

I have about 80 things I want to do today and sitting here typing is not one of them. See ya.

What Doesn't Belong?
Remember on Sesame Street they had this segment (probably still, sadly I've had no reason to watch Sesame Street since the early seventies, so I can only guess) that went "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things doesn't belong" and then they'd show 3 blue socks and a red sock. Or for a harder one: an apple, an orange, grapes and a German Shepard.

Doesn't the SAT have questions like that, too? Which one of these things doesn't go in the sequence: equilateral, obtuse, isosceles, scalene or Nile, Amazon, Yangtze, Rhine?

"What doesn't belong" is barely related to my point today, which is that people will say absolutely anything on the radio.

One of my stations does a bit during my drive home where a person will call in with an issue, say: toilet seat up or down? Then other people call in with their stories of dealing with the same issue.

Yesterday, a woman called who had hooked up with this guy who had come to her house and cleaned her carpet (In this context, not a euphemism. He actually shampooed the carpet.) but he was 10 years younger and she wanted to know what experiences women had with dating younger men. Or younger men dating older women.

So this woman phones in and starts to tell about how when she was 21, her dad, then 48 was dating a 19 year old. This is a red sock. It has nothing to do with anything.

Other radio caller goofballs: people who call in with long drawn out stories with all their personal business and lying brother-in-law and klepto Aunt who ran off with Grandma's china and their bladder surgery complications and the tail they have growing out of the base of their spine. And callers that get all excited telling a long, detailed story that goes nowhere and has zero payoff whatsoever.

Back to the lady with her carpet cleaner – when the radio people played back the listener comments, one guy said, "If he's a good kisser and she doesn't outclass him, I think she should give him a chance." The woman said that was him. He'd heard the show and called in. I think she should give him a chance, too.

Blogging for Jesus
The title has nothing to do with anything but I had this random blip in my head of a song from way back in the early 80's that may or may not have been on the Repoman soundtrack. (Aside: according to imbd, if you liked Repoman, another title you might like is Innerspace. Isn't that some sort of Fantastic Journey movie where they shrink Dennis Quaid into a microship and he floats around in Joe's spleen on a scientific mission? I'm too lazy to look it up myself but I'm just wondering how that relates to Repoman. I'm not seeing a connection of any kind.)

Back to the possibly on the Repoman soundtrack song, it went " [ something ] for Jesus" and I can't remember what the something was. It was funny or ironic and it was one of those bands like Social Distortion or Dead Kennedys, but probably not either of those. This is bothering me now. There's not really a great way to look this up online given what I have. If you have any idea what I'm talking about (Erin?) let me know.

Yesterday I left the office the first legally acceptible moment and zoomed home. I really wanted to be outside but wasn't in the mood for any hardcore digging and hoeing and raking so I found a sunny spot and took a little digging tool (old knife) and pulled weeds from the cracks in the driveway. It was wonderful.

Also, the new "walls of water" I bought at Fred Meyer were CRAP and when I got home I found the CRAP one slumped over, water drained and poor little tomato crushed into the dirt underneath. I propped it up and told it how sorry I was and took the plastic thing and tossed it aside. I think it's going to be okay. (The tomato. The plastic things are landfill.)

Irises are blooming - gorgeous. Still lots of major projects to do out there. I need to finish dahlias before I can start anything new.

It's Miller Time
What do you think?

That's the garden. Put it all in this afternoon. The ultimate in delayed gratification. Just a bunch of dirt now but think how great that's going to be in a couple of months.

Mom and Erin were here this weekend and yesterday we went to the Farmer's Market and there were heirloom tomatoes up the wazoo. I bought 4 plants this year -- now I have friends at the office to share with if it gets too hairy. But also last year I made a tomato soup which was godhead. I'm not a big tomato soup fan but probably because I associate it with the acidy, tinny taste of the canned stuff. Think of that wonderful sweet, fresh, homegrown tomato taste distilled into a hot bowl of soup. If you're not swooning, you're not a tomato person.

I also worked on dahlias. The tubers I "saved" are trashed. I had to junk most of them. I've been putting them in mass graves just in case I've underestimated them. But then some of them look horrible and wrinkled and have tons of "eyes" on them. I ran out of gas on those early. I'm going to have to hit it next weekend. But the dirt is ready.

Also at the Farmer's Market I saw a bunch of pretty plants that I would love to get and know just where I'd put them. But that area is not ready dirt and needs lots of TLC and I can't imagine when I'll get to that. I don't have the stamina of a true gardener.

Just today I pooped out way before I was done with my chores for today. I pushed through, raking bark dust, spreading mulch and sorting through moldy tubers. That reward beer was one of the best I've ever tasted.

I was too tired to wash my hair except it was infused with bark dust and living dirt and I had to do it anyway. Now it's 4pm and I'm going to catch up on my shows with a delicious drink.

Also, for those of you following along at home, I've been eating 3 normal food meals a day and the digestion is humming like a dream. Yay.

In Case You Die
This week has been a little frazzling between the whole, you know, thing that I'm not going to write about again (I hope) but still hasn't totally gone away and what for me has been a busy activity week. Monday I worked late because of the 2 hours at the Drs. and then went to the store to buy saltines, applesauce and bananas for the week plus pick up a prescription so I got home late; Tuesday was yoga night so I got home late; last night I met my long-lost-and-now-found-again friend Tonya for a wonderful walk and dinner so I got home late and tonight we have tickets to see Harvey Pekar and when we get home (late), Mom and Erin will have arrived.

This long wind-up is supposed to explain why I'm phoning in another entry. Death, Taxes and CSRs via Consumerist, someone has to say it:

... another form of grief that often comes about after the passing of a loved one: sorting through a lifetime’s documentation of accounts and finances, trying to get the deceased’s consumer affairs in order. Unfortunately, his father’s affairs seem to have been in a bit of a mess. But no matter how well organized a loved one’s finances are at his time of death, it’s cold comfort to go straight from the funeral to the endless sorting of papers and documentation.

We’re posting this largely to suggest to our readers that they might want to have a serious discussion with their parents about what to do in case they die.

Enbiggen Nothing
This morning I intended to avoid writing about all that delicious broth and rice I've been eating and instead write some sort of thoughtful thing about cooking: imagination v. skill. But I realized I wouldn't be able to crank it out in the 9 minutes allotted so I passed for now.

Here's a quick tidbit I happened upon from I Blame The Patriarchy commenting on the celebrity birth glut called More Mouths to Feed which I include mainly because I love the quote [re: celebrities] "They enbiggen nothing worthwhile."

But celebrities are a different story. They are not public individuals, they are public globs of marketing. They enbiggen nothing worthwhile. Their genius is limited to their mastery of slimming techniques and pole dancing. Their “work” is to a) recite scripted dialogue under direction, b) conform to patriarchal beauty standards while doing it, c) summarily execute a sex scandal or a drug problem, and d) write a book about it. Nobody, aside from a few hack critics who shill for the movie studios and publishing houses, really gives a crap about part A so much as they do about the supposedly extraordinary personal lives manufactured for these celebrities as a result of all that crazy marketing.

Nearing Normal
I slept like a dream last night. Wow, it was fantastic. I woke up once and opened an eye long enough to see it was 4:30am and thought: I'm sleeping, awesome. And didn't wake again until the alarm went off.

Sorry to keep yammering about my digestive system but that's all I've got going right now. I guess that's not true. I keep a card at my desk for things to blog about but sometimes those things don't look so interesting and I can't imagine why I scribbled the note in the first place or the note has become obsolete.

For example, scarves. I used to not get scarves in winter. You'd toss one around your next and it didn't add a lot in terms of warmth plus it became another obstacle to trip on or drip into your lunch. Then, I learned this cool way to secure it from my cousin Lisa and I was going to do a photo demo which I never got around to. But, now it's spring and even though the weather still is cold and sucks ass, if I'm going to demonstrate anything, it's going to be open-toed shoes. I will WILL warm weather into being.

So we're back to my health. Yesterday when they took my pulse, it was 80 and she said that was normal. Not for me. Yikes. I've been feeling like my heart was racing which I suspect has to do with all this food deprivation. Last night I drank some organic sports beverage juice. I've always wondered what those drinks have in them and if I'm reading the label correctly, this is juice with salt added. Couldn't you do that yourself? Secrets revealed!

Also the Dr. said I could eat jello which is apparently a clear liquid. (?) I can't remember the last time I ate jello (I'm supposed capitalize that and put a TM after it or something, aren't I?). We are not a jello family. Even the extended family. If you come to a summer potluck in Orleans, no one in my family will bring something with jello. Just not part of our repertoire. I'm shoveling some peach jello in right now. I'm hungry.

We also aren't pot roast people. I can't ever remember my Mom making pot roast. We ate lots of beef but it was stuff you'd throw on the grill. I can't remember any of the cooks in my extended family making pot roast. I made a pot roast for Easter Dinner. I read several recipes and mainly used Mark Bittman. I only ate three bites, remember the digestive thing, but I didn't love it. Bob and Priscilla said it was good and they arm wrestled for leftovers but I don't think this will become part of the regular rotation. Bob likes red meat, maybe I can find some other fun recipes that will please him.

Finally: if you get the IFC Channel, please check out Henry Rollins show. (A possessive belongs in there somewhere.) He is so intelligent and funny and informed and articulate. He does great interviews (this week: Werner Herzog) and has fun music (this week: Frank Black). You're probably thinking you don't need one more show, but this is only once a week and it's less than 25 minutes. Unless you're say, my Dad, you will love it.

Medical Update
Good news, I guess. No infection or any innard bits that need to be removed. I mean, yes that part is very good.

Doctor thinks it's some sort of intestine irritation and since it hasn't had a rest (because I keep eating and stuff) it keeps flaring up. I am on liquid diet for 24 hours. H'ep. I'm SO HUNGRY. My stomach is growling right now. If you put a chili-cheese dog in front of me I would inhale it.

But no, I'm going home to scarf up some yummy broth. MMMMMMMM.

I also got a prescription for something to help with the stomach cramps, if needed, so I can get a good night of sleep. Back to work.

insomnia update
Turns out my digestive problems have nothing to do with beans, spices, food poisoning or a virus.

How do I know?

Because I'm still having the problems.

Last week Weds and Thurs were much better such that I thought I was just "working it out of my system." Of course I didn't have much appetite and was eating things like rice and broth or canned fruit.

Friday I felt back up to speed and had a great day and ate small quantities but normal foods and guess what? Up most of the night Friday with roiling stomach pains.

Saturday carefully watched the food intake and had only minor pains although my spouse had a wild night out and when he got home neither of us could get back to sleep so we talked and finished watching a movie: Beauty Shop with Queen Latifah which is a funny and sweet movie.

I was very hungry yesterday and even as I ate my Easter dinner (in Barbie portions) I suspected I was dooming myself, but the food tasted great and I felt fine. But you guessed it: 11pm. Stomach cramps which kept me up until 2a.

So I'm averaging about 4 hours a sleep a night and 800 calories a day and I'm feeling completely looped, tired, hungry, shaky and weepy. Is this how super models and actresses feel every day? How do they function?

I have a call into the Doctor now. My guess: gallbladder.

Consumerist
One of my latest favorite websites is Consumerist which talks about consumerism including stuff like killer deals and poor/excellent customer service experiences. I mostly like the customer service stuff. Horrifying/entertaining stories about people dealing with boneheadedness when trying to solve their customer problems.

The site also covers people with whom I have a hard time sympathizing. For example, the person who was unable to get his 2 for 1 coupon honored at some sort of hotdog and pita hut, the couple who recently were unable to utilize their coupon for 2 lbs. of free french fries (actually, I think this story had a happy ending but the real question is who could possibly eat 2 lbs. of french fries?) and people whining about trivial stuff like it took 3 days instead of 2 to get their random junk delivered from googlebuckszon.com because they have the free shipping option. You've gone your entire life without that thing you just bought. Is one more day really going to hurt you?

Here are two recent stories that I appreciated:

What the elderly want in a cellphone: call, hang up, voicemail, 911

They want only four functions: Call, Hang Up, Voicemail, 911. They want buttons that say EXACTLY: Call, HangUp, Voicemail, 911. They don’t want a security code for their voicemail because they can’t remember it. And they don’t care if someone else listens to their messages. They don’t want color screens - just big letters and numbers. They’d appreciate nonglare screens. They want bigger buttons that “click” to indicate they’ve hit it correctly. They don’t hear the “beeps” because their ears aren’t very good, but a “click” they can FEEL is what they requested. ... They don’t want programming and in particular NO MENUS.

Might I add that I join the elderly on this one. I also don't want to play music or watch TV on my phone. I don't want to send and receive video messages. I don't want to read webpages. And I don't want the cheapest plan to be 5000 minutes for $100 a month.

Calls From a Stranger

The gist of this item had to do with receiving phone calls on a cellphone in Spanish. Turned out to be solicitation calls and illegal. The post included resources for dealing with problems like this:

If you receive one of these calls, enter the area code and prefix here at Telcodata.US. Complaint to the customer service of the provider listed. They will shut the unsolicited phone spammer down.

UPDATE: Verizon sues some telemarketer using the same tactics. And here’s one man’s story of how he successfully sued a telemarketer who called him at 5 in the morning. He also provides a slew of resources for tracking down phone solicitors.

TEN YEARS AGO TODAY: PAMPAGE DEBUTS!

Back in those days it was called a personal page before all this blogging business started.

Sadly, I didn't do any sort of archive keeping in the beginning and I'm not 100% what the debut page looked like although I have some ideas which I will hopefully post this weekend.

Since insomnia seems to be the theme of the week, I bring to you this PamPage historical nugget (which I edited slightly for spelling):

Insomnia: February 1, 1998

It is 2:15am and I am wide awake. I can recall going through most of my life (so far) and never being awake at this hour except for writing college papers and going to wild rock n' roll clubs. Now it's getting to be a disturbingly regular occurrence. It's like the most minute blip on my regular life radar results in indigestion and insomnia. Is this a getting older thing or am I evolving in some strange and undesired direction?

Sometimes, I simply can't fall asleep. I will usually toss and turn and do a variety of relaxing and breathing exercises before I will get up. Other times I wake up, sometimes as little as 30 minutes after I've gone to bed. I actually don't mind not being able to sleep half as much as I mind being very tired the following day.

My methods of dealing with it usually involve one or any combination of the following: alka seltzer, ginger tea, mineral water, Hyland's Calming tablets (homeopathic remedy which I highly recommend). I sit on the futon and usually read or sometimes channel surf which is always interesting at this hour. Last night I read for over an hour. Tonight I've already drank 2 big cups of tea which is herbal, but nonetheless, I suspect it isn't helping my cause.

We are in the process of buying our first home which I suspect is at the root of this latest wave of sleeplessness. We found the house last weekend. The worst part was the time between when we knew it was what we wanted and the time we actually signed the offer, which lasted about 24 hours and resulted in one um, spirited discussion. On Friday we brought a stack of paper to the mortgage broker and saw what we were in for with the bank and signed those papers.

It's especially hard doing this for the first time because the whole homebuying thing is this maze of complicated paperwork, agreements, inspections and even though there are a lot of safeguards in there, and you can do your homework and ask questions, the process is totally mystifying and terrifying. At every turn I'm wondering if we're just getting suckered, or if we've naively paid too much or blindly agreed to some fee or certification that's completely bogus.

But I'm also thrilled about the house and with the idea that there will be actual places to put things. Our place now is so small. The house has a shop built on. Great, I am thinking. A whole shop where we can put our wrench, 2 screwdrivers and ball of twine. A utility room: hand wash can be dried in a separate room instead of being an obstacle course in the living room and dining area. It's a good change, it's just overwhelming at times.

I think I might be able to sleep now.

insomnia part 2
Well, looks like the andouille had nothing to do with my digestive pains. I was moving a bit slow on Monday but otherwise a normal day. I went to yoga class, came home and ate a small dinner consisting of several foods I ate Sunday but nothing spicy or beany.

Woke up at 11:30pm with an even worse belly cramps than the night before. I couldn't sleep to save my life and also spent a great deal of time in the bathroom.

I figured I'd "sleep in" and go to work later and be fine but I ended up staying home all day. While my first thought was that it was some sort of food poisoning issue, Bob pointed out that there's a norovirus making headlines in Clark County. I'm not sure if this is compatible with my sick Sunday night, fine Monday day, sick Monday night routine so maybe it was some food thing.

But that means that over two nights I got maybe 6 hours of sleep and I felt awful all morning. I took several naps including an epic from 1pm to 3pm and when I woke up I felt closer to normal. I've even eaten a bit and expect to sleep great tonight and be back in action tomorrow.

I've had more health issues since January than I've had put together in the last 5 years. What about all the yoga and clean living?

insomnia
Last night I woke up at 1:45am with a hypersonic wind tunnel digestive thing which means a lot of uncomfortable inner turmoil. I drifted a bit but for the most part, I tossed and turned and couldn't get comfortable.

Friday I made a pot of bean soup and Saturday I made that gumbo. Sunday night I used the leftover andouille in the bean soup and I think this is what put my digestive system over the top.

Not a good way to start Monday: bleary eyed and feeling like a refugee from an all weekend kegger.

New Thing
This week is the 10 year anniversary of my website.

Obviously, I've been aware of this for some time and have (had?) big plans for a site redesign and returning some archived stuff to the site. All this Photoshop learning was supposed to pay off. Geez, I am a slow learner. I vastly scaled back my ideas and then scaled them back some more.

I worked on the new design all day and it's still completely farked up. I only have the faintest grasp of this CSS stuff and I can't make anything look like like I want it to look. Plus FRODO (my computer) spent the past week in his "I don't do colors correctly" mode) which has added an additional element of difficulty to the routine.

I got frustrated this afternoon and the sun was beckoning. I took a break and thought I'd pull some weeds and do some yard stuff as a nice brain cleanser. It must be spring because I had to do one of my most hated spring chores which is to attach the backyard hose to the faucet. The forktard who built the deck built it abutting the house so that the faucet is almost impossible to reach. Almost.

Last year I think I managed to do it in under a half hour but today I was not so lucky. I spent close to an hour on my belly on the deck trying to get that forking thing connected. If the man who built the deck ever shows up at my door I will first, chain him to the deck and force him to connect and unconnect a standard garden hose to the faucet until he begs for mercy. When he uses bad words I will flog him with the other end of the hose. Then I will rip his still-beating heart from his chest and eat it.

This ninja writer guy I saw at a writing conference (long story) said that it is impossible to do that and surgeons use saws and stuff to get to the heart and that all the aortas and stuff that are attached to it are tough cables -- but that won't stop me. I'll go through the belly and root around though his entrails until I can grab the thing and I'll be angry enough to tear it out. And it should be perfectly legal. No one should be allowed to build something with such complete stupidity and not have committed some sort of crime where heart extracting is acceptable punishment.

Once I got the hose on, since it was warm and sunny, I decided to prepare the walls-o-water so that when I get my tomatoes I'm ready to go. I didn't even get the walls out last year because they were designed by a sadist and you can't fill them without getting yourself wet and making a lot of mud. But I think they would have helped so I decided to buck up and do it anyway.

So now I have my hose attached, my walls up, my pants wet and muddy and I've said every bad word in the book at least 100 times. Time to go back and tackle CSS. Let's open another bottle of wine. That's always a good strategy when you're trying to figure out a technical thing and have two web browsers and about 10 windows open.

I'm sure I could find one of these kids to take mercy on me and help me out but I can't bear the idea of them sitting around guzzling Mountain Dew and playing Ghostbuster Dragonslayer Warfighter and laughing about some lady they're helping who doesn't know the difference between margins and padding (do you get it?) for her stupid website with pictures of pumpkins.

I'll get it straightened out. I've got a lot of wine. Maybe next weekend.

Meanwhile, the rest of the weekend was decent. I made a killer gumbo on Saturday. I think I finally have the recipe down so it's not an all day affair. I also made a pumpkin streusel cake which was excellent and I had a tiny blob of pumpkin left and I put it in the cornbread I made tonight.

Take THAT! gameboy.

I Want My Noon Yoga

Last week when I was walking to my last Noon yoga class (for more on last yoga class issues look here (Mar 27) and here (Feb 19)) I saw a flier for something called "Body & Brain Yoga" in downtown Portland. I vaguely remembered seeing this before and a conversation with Bob where we decided something about the place didn't look quite right and maybe it was a cult.

I handed the flier over to Holiday to see if she knew anything about it and she said no and asked to hang on to the flier.

Since I REALLY want to find a Noon yoga class, I decided to do more homework. Maybe I'm just being judgmental because this yoga center is slightly different than what I'm used to and maybe these are really nice yoga people who don't have a good handle on marketing.

For the past week I've been keeping my eye out for another flier and finally yesterday I saw one at the mini-mart. Now I could study it more closely.

Put "yoga classes" into any search engine and I guarantee that 99% of the yoga studios you pull up will be more or less the same. They describe the style of class, introduce the teachers, tell you what it will cost and usually have tips like arrive at class a little early, don't wear shoes in the studio and practice on an empty stomach.

The way to get started at Body & Brain Yoga Center is to make an appointment for a private introductory session. Giant red flag there. They want to check up on your flexibility, breathing and "energy flow" -- you mean the teacher can't eyeball you at the first class? Also they say nothing about what the classes cost.

At this point I still really want Noon yoga and I want to give them the benefit of the doubt so I do a little poking online. Within three minutes I have a connection to something called Dahn Yoga and that leads me to a cult study organization that has an extensive page on this organization.

Comments from participants:

"I was looking for a yoga studio near my residence. A 'master' at Dahn performed a physical exam by tapping areas of my body. The exam was painful. The master said there were 'blockages' in my body that needed to be removed and then offered programs ranging from $3,000 to $10,0000. I went for a non-refundable three month membership. Most of the members were new to the center. I wondered why they had such poor retention. And what about all that paraphernalia and those expensive sessions? They sell everything from a 'Power Brain,' which is a small battery-operated device for $80, to healing sessions for $3,000.

In their defense I will mention that many participants liked the exercises, which apparently aren't really yoga. But I don't think I'll go there.

Stinking Thinking
I'm here mainly to report that I've had a bad attitude lately. I won't go into all the details but having a bad attitude doesn't fix anything and I'd like to have a better attitude and I make my intention to think good thoughts, and to get over it, and any other sort of cheerleading or scolding I can come up with but before you know it, that stinky bad attitude has returned.

I read a quote from Carrie Fisher once that went something like: resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Yes, I get this, yet here I am seething with resentment. I would describe some of the things I am doing to demonstrate my desperation because what I really want is to feel better, but you might think I'm a crazy person.

Contributing to the overall bad attitude is an amazingly ginormous and unexpected tax bill. At least I have that stupid task off my plate.

One good thing to look forward to is World Cup which starts on June 9. I have no idea how I'm going to work my schedule but I'll figure out something.

Movie Date
Yesterday Bob and I went and saw Inside Man and I can not more highly recommend a movie. It's everything you want in a movie. Great directing. Good story that keeps you guessing.

Great performances. Denzel is great. Chiwetel Ejiofor who played The Operative in personal favorite, Serenity and you couldn't imagine a more different performance. Jodie Foster is fantastic. You're never a totally sure what is going on. Run, don't walk.

Afterward Bob wanted to stop and have dinner and I was dressed like a slob and I like to look semi-decent if I'm out and about. I had a flash on this as we were going out. But he convinced me it was fine and sure, by PW standards I'm sure it was, but I still like to rise above.

I sucked it up and we had a super dinner. It was all good. A cheese sampler plate, an arugula salad and salmon special. Excellent. A good date.